"What if you stopped caring about results?"
That's the question that's been on my mind lately, and maybe it's on your mind too.
I thought about writing a vent post, or about social media, or about numbers.
I keep pushing it back, because I feel like it's not right.
What isn't right? I'm not sure.
I think part of it is pressure, even if it's only imaginary internal pressure.
I keep asking myself "why does this matter? why does any of this matter? who cares about any of this?".
So instead of a blog post, I wrote where the people and external based results are. It's easier. Where you get quick hits of likes and the occasional replies.
But is that all there is to writing? To creating? A quick hit of a pleasure spike? Feeling big for 10 seconds?
I could add a comments section under every post. I could artifically add a likes plugin. Most sites have that already added for you.
So why here? Why on Neocities? Why not on wordpress? Why not on substack? Why not in an email newsletter?
I think it's because even if the rush of likes and comments feels nice in the moment, I want something different from the current norm.
I am a hobbyist writer. I write down my thoughts on a keyboard, add html, and then post. I don't write books or give speeches or sell courses.
So I'd thought I'd write a bit about that today, and some of the other things on my mind recently.
Numbers, numbers, numbers. It feels like that's all I ever talk about anymore.
Big YouTubers already warned about this. Yet you're touching the hook and complaining you're being reeled in. What did you expect?
Because numbers mean different things to different sizes.
Big YouTubers have stable enough fanbases and brand recognition to not have to worry as much about it.
While the numbers can always be bigger and better, you almost never have to worry about 0 people watching. 0 people reading. 0 people listening.
I can't fully go into that part because I'm not a big creator. I can't complain about suffering from success yet.
But what I can tell you about is what it's like to be a 0 creator in a sea of 0 creators.
You have to give to something week after week, month after month, year after year. You have to feel like you're crazy.
You need numbers to earn any money on the time you're giving to this. If you have no numbers, you have no income.
You see all the people around you giving up. People whose work you loved, people with bigger numbers than you, who get paid to do this. And they give up. What chance do I have?
You have to wonder constantly "What if I never get my big break? What if I'm a nobody forever? What if I'm posting into a void? What do you do then?"
Something I've learned from the Internet is you have a few options.
Can you guess which I am?
It's actually most of them!
For a long time I was a silent lurker. I still am in most communities.
Sometimes I comment without creating anything. Easier to ride an existing conversation than start my own.
I tried splitting myself into pieces. But 1 person with 100 followers split into 10 pieces leads to 10 accounts with 10 followers. (This isn't a literal example, but simplified for the point)
I tried unifying myself into one again. Just one account, just one feed, just one persona. But I can't help myself.
I am not the kind of person that fits into one box forever. I'm just NOT!
Not in a bragging way, but rather the opposite. It's really hard to pitch yourself to anybody when you're a little bit of everything. Master of none.
That 1-fits-all system isn't how I work. Maybe one day I will eventually settle, but right now it's not for me.
I need to hop from thing to thing and squeeze every drop from it.
That kind of person doesn't work in the algorithm feed hierarchy system.
So I have to artifically split myself again.
Hoping this time one of the fragments may be my winning horse.
I need one of them to win, so all of them can continue to race.
I'm a one person team, a team of 1. A messy and tired team.
This fragment isn't one of the winning fragments. This one is for me to blog and only blog.
But maybe that's refreshing in a way? That's all I need to do here. Write and then post it.
I don't need to worry about a portfolio, I don't need to worry about view ratios, I don't need to worry about reach and shadow bans.
I am not sure if I will ever win the race. Some days I heavily doubt it.
But I remind myself, it's not a sprint. It's a marathon.
Work in the way that keeps you wanting to keep racing. Even if it's not the way everyone else works.
I've been trying to hide it, but I think it's obvious. I'm struggling to get back up after losing motivation.
I got a bit lucky once, and it's been downhill from there. I almost dislike the happy spikes because it makes going back to normal suck harder.
When I'm consistently mid I can accept it. But when I get a taste of something more, and then fall? It's rough.
You keep hearing all these motivational messages online and it sounds like bullshit.
"Only quitters give up! Never give up! Always be grinding! Always give it your all!".
And then on the other hand the messages shaming people for failing.
"If you're failing you suck!" "You must not be pleasing the algorithm enough!" "Sucks to suck!".
And I'm so tired of the only options being "you got this!" or "you don't got this!". I know that.
I've watched so many of those self help channels, read the books, and yet I'm still not making forward progress.
Sometimes I worry maybe I really missed my shot and the right answer is start 10 years ago before AI slop and burnout burned the internet.
Maybe I haven't suffered some big tragedy, but that doesn't make me feel better about it.
Aren't I fortunate? Isn't this what I've been looking for? Why am I not excited? Why am I feeling like everything is useless again?
Is it low self esteem? Is it the weather? Is it the crappy diet? What is wrong with me this time?!
And I haven't found the answer to it yet. That's why I'm writing about it, because my head is going in circles.
I think part of it is I struggle to manage my projects.
It feels like an endless to do list, like running on a treadmill. I'm exerting energy, but I'm not moving forward.
Because I've split myself into pieces, because I'm doing it mostly by myself, everything takes forever to get done.
And whenever I'm about 70% of the way into a project, the self doubt starts peeking in again.
"Should I even finish this? What difference is it going to make? This will probably flop. Add it to the list of failures."
And of course the irony is that, by not releasing it, by default it is a failure. It looks the same as if I had done nothing.
...I don't understand.
Isn't this what I was made to do?
Isn't this what I want to do be doing?
Then why does it feel like pulling teeth?
Sometimes I wish I could go back to the 00s internet when people took things less seriously. I miss that freedom, that sense of doing things for the heck of it.
It feels like blaming the system. That it's not productive to do that.
I just can't help but feel like somewhere along the way, in my pursuit of making a living from this, I lost the plot.
I know I have things I want to make, things I need to do. But I can't seem to make myself do it.
And I blame myself for that. That's always what I go back to.
"This is your fault! No one is watching because you suck at this!"
"Everyone else is winning because they know what to do! And you still can't figure it out?! What kind of artist are you?!"
"You shouldn't have gotten your hopes up. You know the good times won't last."
"You really thought you could throw together a few videos and make money? That you'd write for a bit and suddenly win? NO!"
"This. This part of the cycle is why people don't want to be around you. You're a NEGATIVE person! You have a LOSING attitude! No one wants to support THAT! You keep making the SAME mistakes over and over again! They were right to leave your ass behind!"
"You know you're lying to yourself. A happy you isn't you. Not really. That's why you can't make it work. You'll never have happiness."
"So you're going to throw shit at the wall again? Because that worked great last time! You're just going to make it worse!"
"Maybe it's time to quit for good this time. Your heroes are gone, the crowd isn't waiting, go get a real job!"
"People may like you, but they'll never love you. You know it's the truth."
I try to drown that voice out. But the worse I do, the louder it gets.
I feel ashamed of it, that I still have that voice deep inside me.
Who needs enemies when I hurt myself on autopilot? They don't even need to punch me, I already punch myself down.
I know that this isn't the right answer, but it's really hard to stop it.
A downward spiral.
You know in those fighting games where there's a mirror match? Sometimes it feels like that.
Kind of like in Sonic the Fighters where the characters are split into two, and one is a black and white version. (vid link here)
Or like in Omori. I still want to replay that one someday.
In 1 corner, we have the one trying to make this work out. The one who keeps getting up after getting knocked down.
In the other corner, we have the one trying to end the game. The one who keeps kicking and heckling the whole time.
I just finished Cobra Kai, and they would definitely be on Team Silver. lol
Except it's not a physical battle, but a mental one.
I throw in a "Maybe go easy on me this time?"
They throw back "Why would I go easy on you? What have you done to earn that?"
I reply "Well that's the thing, love isn't earned. And even if it was, I can't give more than my best."
They respond "You call this your best? Please! This is nothing! You suck at being consistent but you sure can talk the talk. Why not go back to Twitter?"
I reply "Haha very funny... I'm not really sure what to label this, but I don't think it'd belong anywhere besides here. Isn't this something?"
Them "You're stalling for time. You know you can't out talk me, so you're thinking if you reveal your hand you'll get back up."
Me "See this is exactly what makes it so hard to work with you. You won't listen to reason. Anything I say will be used against me. Why?"
Them "Because this would be easier if you gave up. You're more comfortable in sadness than happiness. You say you want a win, but the truth is you can't handle a win."
Me "So you're saying what I'm doing is for nothing then? I'm trying so hard even when it sucks so I can fall back down and quit when it gets hard? Is that it?"
Them "Yeah. Because you don't have what it takes. Whenever things get hard you start whining and moping around."
Me "But I thought you wanted me to be unhappy? Shouldn't that make you laugh at me again?"
Them "Where's the fun in that? It's more fun when you fight back."
Me "...Yeah that sounds about right. I don't know why I expected different. Any last jabs for the audience?"
Them "Look at this! This is who you're representing right now! Can't even win a fight with yourself? Good luck to you!"
Anyways you get the idea... It'll keep going on and on like that.
And then I started purging all the old things I've made.
"This sucks, nobody wants this"
"Just get rid of this"
"This is an eyesore, delete it"
"You might as well start over, this isn't working"
"No matter how many times you restart, you will always be a failure"
Why?
Why is it like this?
I've come so far, so why can't I stop it?!
Why do I always have to get rid of the things I love?
Why do I have to get rid of the things I worked so hard on?
Why is it that even after I left my bullies, I can't escape this feeling?!
And I feel crazy for it. I feel like I'm completely alone in it.
Nobody else is doing these things. They can be consistent people. They can believe in themselves. But I can't!
Why can't I ever get this right?!
This is what makes it hard to quit external validation.
If someone else benefits, then I can point to that.
But when it's just me, myself, and I? That's when I start floundering again.
How am I supposed to believe in myself when I can't even be together?
All the self doubt crashes over me, and I feel like an idiot.
If you're so smart, then why can't you get over this?
You shouldn't need to cling to external validation.
You'll never be a pro if you don't get over yourself.
You know what? Fuck it. If you want to turn this into a vent I'm not stopping you.
But I'm not going to let you kick me down again. I know just as much as you, when this is over, you're going to back off again.
And in another month or two we'll do this again.
Maybe I am weak, but I'm not a complete doormat anymore.
I'm not deleting this. I'm posting it.
If I was feeling really spiteful, I'd pin it on my main. But I won't.
Sorry this turned into a meta vent? But I wanted to write, and this is what came out. New content!
What is a man?! ...I mean, what is art?
Is art the piece or the process?
Does a blog become art when it turns into a meta rant?
Does art always have to hurt the artist?
What am I looking for by doing this?
I realized recently that despite being an artist and content creator, I don't often express myself.
I'm usually drawing for other people. Streaming for other people. Writing for other people.
But what about me?
Messy, incomplete, rebel, snarky, hopeful, despairing, me?
When the crowd is gone, who is left? Me.
When all the voices are gone, whose voice is left? Mine.
This spark inside, whether it be glowing brightly or fading dimly, whose is it? My spark.
And who has to live with myself, through the highs and lows, for the rest of my life? Me.
So I think to move forward as an artist, I need to be more self-ish.
Not an asshole, not self-obsessive, but self-reflective.
I have to go deep inside myself, fight with myself, and bring back scraps for you. Like today.
Because that is how I figure out how to speak to people.
I could paint a pretty picture, I could write top 10 tips to improve your life, but that's all they are.
I want to express myself. I want something deeper than that.
So if I fail again, I can at least say that I accomplished something.
It might be messy, but it's my mess.
It might be shitty, but it's my shit.
Maybe I'll always be cringe, but that's who I am.
I tried for so long to purge the cringe, purge the mess, purge the shit.
But that's not being honest with you. That's not me.
I've been pushing away these things because I'm ashamed of them. I feel like it's not the right choice.
I'm still figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life, but this? This is me.
I keep comparing myself to people who have already made it, people who are doing better than me.
Maybe right now I'm not worth that. Maybe I'm painfully slow and impatient.
Maybe I'm annoyed at myself for speaking in sentence fragments for some reason.
But that's OKAY! I'm still learning!
2 years ago I was at my bottom. I could barely make anything at all.
But now? I'm creating things, I'm writing, I'm doing things I wasn't before. I'm putting myself out there even though I'm afraid to.
Maybe most of it won't work out. But you know? I'll be closer to figuring out what does work.
Maybe I'll have to fight myself sometimes to move forward. Maybe that's ugly. But isn't that what it means to be human? To doubt yourself?
A robot is always confident, always knows the right thing to do, and even when they mess up it's because of coding or whatever.
But I'm not a robot! I'm not a content machine! Didn't I have this arc already?
Yeah it'd be nice to beeline to the part where I'm making works instead of words. But good things take time. Good things are worth taking the time.
Experimenting as an artist isn't a failure.
Not every project wins, not every test is a success. Does it make those people bad or failures? No.
So why are you different? Failing doesn't mean you have to be a failure. Losing doesn't mean you have to be a loser.
So what if people laugh at you? So what if someone leaves a mean comment?
The thing about excess negativity is all it can do is destroy. Tear down others, tear down works, tear down themselves.
It's easy to tear down, it's hard to forgive.
You already know the answer. That's why you're here. That's why you're doing this.
You know deep in your heart that those negative voices are wrong. Even if they are so sure of themselves.
It may be difficult, but you're learning how to forgive yourself.
You don't need to be perfect to be forgiven. Maybe that's how it works online, but online isn't reality. It's not the only option.
If that means you need to try different approaches for awhile that's okay.
You can keep trying until you feel confident enough to say it as yourself.
Your negative voices might be loud, but they aren't the only ones.
Your bad sides and good sides are both part of you. That doesn't make you broken, it makes you human.
So going back to the original question.
How do you stop caring about results?
By changing your angle.
You can't control the outcome of the game, all you can do is play at your best current level.
You can't be perfect, you can't always win, but you can always be you!
And maybe by showing some of my mess, you can see that it's not always easy.
But I think by doing these things I realize that there's more to life than things being easy.
Find the things that make you want to try regardless of how hard they are.
It might take me awhile to find my style and have cool things to share with you.
But I want to say thank you to those who stand by me.
Even if I have my bad days, I want to keep moving forward.
The answer I found is that if I make things with my own hands, then those are my pieces of art.
Just like a homecooked meal may not be as perfect as a 5 star meal, what it has is heart put into it.
You don't need to always win to be happy.
Popularity is overrated.
You don't need to be perfect to be loved.
And even if you don't believe in yourself, your efforts created something.
If you can't believe in you, you can believe in that.
Thanks for reading! This is one of those that kind of took a life of it's own while writing.
I'm not really sure what to say, but I hoped you gained something from it.