I was going to take a break but something happened recently I wanted to talk about.
In a sense of funny timing, right after I said not to care about results, one of my posts got numbers.
Not crazy viral numbers, but more than I usually get so far.
Also some random things I was thinking about.
So what is the numbers wave?
People often say the internet is like surfing such as "surfing the web".
Nowhere does this ring more true when it comes to graphs and numbers.
It's flat, it goes up, it peaks, then goes down, then flat again. Like a wave.
Although instead of trying to ride the wave, thought that certainly is important, to me the trickier part is when the water is still.
Unlike waves in real life, it's not a constant back and forth. You get occasional wins, but only as long as you keep posting.
So the thing that hits me in my brain is "now what? so you got big numbers, now what? so you got small numbers, now what?"
Here is the moment where I feel like a complete hypocrite, again.
I did my usual routine. Finishing the project, then posting to social media.
And before you say "that's not very anti-social media of you!", I post it on my website as well.
Anyways, something different happened this time.
I looked at it a few hours later, and there were over 100 likes!
That might not sound like a lot, but it is to me. I usually get maybe 10 likes, 50 likes on a good day.
So I kept checking it throughout the day. And here is where it gets cringy.
I go to sleep for the night. And then I start dreaming about checking my socials. Multiple times.
I felt like such a dirty addict in that moment. I couldn't sleep.
"You attention @$^%*! You numbers #@%$! WTF happened to no numbers?!"
But wow! People really liked what I made? I didn't think it was that good, but people liked it! Awesome!
It hit over 800 likes! But like usual on social media, it eventually stopped spreading.
After 2 days it was done. The buzzing stopped, and it was back to the usual.
...Now what?
Like any spike, there then comes a return to the usual. The boring usual. The flat usual.
I'm not saying normal is bad. But more how temporary those highs are.
You get a good post, with 10 replies? You post 10 or 20 more with 0.
You get a winning video? Your next videos don't retain it at all.
And I start thinking "what is the point? when will it feel like that I'm not wasting my time? now what?".
Something I like about posting on a website most of the time, is the numbers are a mystery.
There is a total number count, but you don't know how much each image or post is being viewed by itself.
Sometimes I dislike not knowing, but I appreciate having the room to experiment.
Numbers aren't completely possible to avoid on most vanilla social media. (as in no ad blocker elements or browser extensions or third party apps)
I am trying to go number-less with some side projects.
There's a few I want to do where I don't care about the numbers, at all. They will still be there, but I won't obsess over them. (hopefully!)
That's because I've learned...
When I say "Output" I don't mean pumping out hundreds of videos or AI slop.
What I mean is that at the end of the day, all numbers are, are a value on a screen.
Not because I don't care what people think, no. I do care! That's what makes it so hard to quit numbers...
But numbers only give a general indicator of what the audience is interested in or not interested in. Or RNG. Or a mix of both.
The reason why I don't want to be addicted to the buzz is that buzz isn't going to make me improve as a creator!
It would be like if you said "the audience clapping improves my painting!".
Clapping and praise gives motivation and positive feelings, but improvement comes from practice and study.
So I want to break away from numbersbrain addiction onto a better and more stable power source.
I understand a lot of creators go through this in the post-social media world. But I'm figuring out my personal "why" and "how".
I feel like if I change my focus, change my angle, then maybe I'll eventually get to where I want to be.
Output can mean a video or a project or an art piece.
I learn by making things, trying new things, and experimenting. Not always playing it safe, static, and rigid.
This has been on my mind a bit. I often think about how the internet used to be. It feels so long ago now.
One of the biggest changes is the increasing focus on the material matter over the material substance in the digital world. And how I'm trying to counter that environment.
Sorry if this sounds angsty, but I think shopping as "content" is boring as fuck!
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional review of a product. An occasional unboxing or haul.
But this hyper overconsumption thing that TikTok accelerated? I don't like it.
I used to wonder what kind of life the popular kids lived. How the rich lived. And if it's like on social media? I was happier not knowing.
"Look at this! Look at that! And this! and this! and also that! Oh and this is okay! and this one is super cool! this one is okay..."
Rapid fire, the disinterest in their voice, as they whip out to internet strangers dozens of expensive products.
Maybe I'm a bit bitter, but for their grand act of throwing shit at the camera for 2 seconds at a time they get... 10,000 likes? 50,000 likes? millions of followers?!
And I wonder again "what the fuck am I doing?! when did this become the standard online?!"
I'm happy creators can make a living online. I'm glad they can create things for their fans to buy without costing an arm and a leg.
But the internet I used to be on wouldn't stand for this. This wouldn't be "content". It's an ad! It's shiny and plastic. You'll forget it in an hour.
I can't see that old pre-social media internet ever coming back. It was a different time, different userbase, different culture.
But I keep seeing this and it eats at me.
Real life sucks.
The internet sucks too.
It used to be an escape, and now it's filled with ads and ragebait. Slop churned out at an increasing pace while everything else fades away.
And then these rich people flex on everyone! And we're supposed to act like it's normal and desirable?
That making 20 trays of flavored ice is normal?
That buying 3 families worth of clothes for 1 person is normal?
A $20 strawberry in a case?
Aesthetic fridges?
Daily themed dog baths?
And yet I find myself watching the compilations anyways. I'm just as guilty of it! Call it morbid curiosity.
It's so surreal to see the growing gap between the haves and have nots. And the internet is their megaphone of choice.
But there's another reason...
Maybe it's just my side of the internet, but I swear all the people I used to follow don't post anymore.
No goodbye video, no dramatic exit, just gone.
I wonder how many have quit over the years. How many have passed away without a glance?
I know they aren't all gone, but is anyone else seeing this?
I want to support the artists. But all I see that's not reactions are: career influencers, stream clips, and the occasional review maybe once a month.
Sorry if that heading is corny. I think part of why my side of the internet feels quiet is the switch to Shorts.
TikTok gets insane numbers. TikTok is controlling the trends. TikTok is where the hype is.
Even when creators are on all platforms, they want to be discovered on TikTok.
It's been over 5 years, and I still haven't caved. But part of me wonders "Can you grow without Shorts today?"
I don't know. I'm not dissing the people or the format. It's not for me.
If I was getting paid to do it then maybe I would, but right now I don't want to do it.
I already feel guilty about asking for too much time. I don't want to be part of shortening attention spans just because it's trendy.
As usual the answer is still a work in progress.
I'm happy what I'm doing is being seen more. I'm thankful for that.
But I think I need to experiment more. I can't grow if I stay in the same bubble.
I can't be a slave to the numbers. Follow them sometimes, but not obsessing over them.
And also trying to socalize more sometimes.
I was listening to some podcasts, and I keep hearing this answer.
"Focus on your craft. Focus on your creativity. Turn down the noise, turn up the deep focus."
Move forward, don't dwell on the past. I'm trying to be more like that.
That's it for today. Thanks for reading!